More

Than enough, really. My current understanding is that there is dry gangrene in the hand and that the options are amputation of all digits on the right hand (minus the thumb) or a process called auto-amputation, where the dead fingers eventually fall off the hand. Of course, "The doctor said it's nothing that could have been prevented. It just kind of happens to some people."

There are several very aggravating things about this statement. First, it's never her fault...for anything. She is never to blame for the shitty things that "happen" to her. It of course, wasn't 30 years of chain smoking, blatant negligence of her diabetes, refusal of physical therapy when she broke her ankle (and subsequent blood clot ensued), obesity, etc...Because, these things just happen, you know? Out of the blue! Can you imagine the luck?

And, once absolved, I am the one who looks like a dick for expressing doubt or annoyance that this is just another such and such X that happened. My therapist said to me the other day, "You should prepare for your mother to have, perhaps, not such a happy ending." However, there are others who are committed (for whatever reason) to providing 24/7 in-home care for her. Often, at his and her own expense. Her primary partner/care-taker in TN seems to be enabling her dependencies all the more. S is in complete denial of her situation: "What are you thinking about with regard for your immediate, future care? You seem to not be able to bathe, feed yourself, care for your cats, pay your rent or utilities, etc...How are you going to manage those tasks?" To which, she replies, "E is going to split the rent with me and I'm thinking of getting one of those voice-activated computers..."

Rather than describe in minutiae the many problematics with this reply, I will say only that this is the craziest mother-fucking shit I've ever heard. I want to completely sever my ties with this toxicity and sickness and craziness. I don't want to be angry with S every time she calls. She is, I fear, headed for a sad ending. I'm just not sure what I can/want to do about it. I feel "obligated" as her progeny, to act on her behalf. As such, I feel pretty much in a holding pattern. One that feels completely unreal and "float-y." If I don't think about this fucked up situation every day, however, I feel pretty clear and happy about the summer.

Which is a good segue to part II of, "More."

Money. It's fucking hard to get a job. I have a second interview for a company that translates documents. It's a project manager position that, honestly, I probably won't end up getting. There are so many overqualified people out there scrambling for a job. I have a MASTER'S DEGREE, people! Why can't I get a M-Fing job? I've sent out 45 resumes in 7 weeks. ONE interview, four rejection letters, and the rest is lost in the aether. I just need a little stability in my life, you know? Been floating around for 10 or so years...trying to get by on nothing. It seems too much to even dream of ever paying off this oppressive college debt, owning a home, maybe my own car or bicycle.

More. Belly! I have it! It's gotta go! Period.