The Crone

This is a bit of a belated post about my most recent Mother Peace reading. However, given the events of the day (which I'll write about in a bit), it feels like the right time to reflect on the most recent reading. Unfortunately, I can't quite remember the exact phrases of my questions to MP; I'll approximate where necessary.

Question: What kind of energy will I receive from all these job applications I've been putting into the world?

The Crone, "Turning Within"

"The Crone is the old wise woman who watches over our dreams and visions, who whispers secrets to our inner ears. As Nor Hall puts it, 'the old woman, who is regarded as the teacher of 'song, story and spindle,' is the Hag who know how to call down the power of the moon, to converse with spirits and work magical spells...When you get the Crone in a reading, it almost certainly means a time of solitude. Usually this inner time comes as a blessing, but at first you may feel a sense of loneliness. Mostly this comes from enculturation, which tells you that it's bad to be alone. If you can relax and enjoy this opportunity, you will gain from time spent in self-study. Learning to hear with the inner ear can be frightening at first, since the messages you get probably won't match up with what you've been taught. Hekate is a great truth-teller (soothsayer) and once you are in contact with her, your own truths will begin to surface.

You are at a crossroads, a time of decision and renewal. Hekate takes you down into the unconscious and guides you through it, showing you where you troubles are and offering choices and possibilities you may never have previously dreamed of. Sometimes this experience comes at around the age of twenty-eight or twenty-nine, when a person experiences what astrologers call her 'Saturn return.'"

This card is intense for several reasons. First, I wrote about the Saturn Return in my previous post, so getting this message after I've been thinking about it feels like a strong message. Second, I drew this card when I was having a hard time writing my MA project paper. I was obsessed (negatively) with the lack of mentorship from my committee members. LE pointed out during that reading that the Crone could be a positive force in my writing process and that maybe I needed to turn inward and trust my own abilities and powers. I thought about this card many times during the writing process and feel like it helped me through that difficult process. I'm not sure how to interpret the card in relation to this question, however. Certainly it makes sense that it's tied up with the Saturn Return business; this is a most difficult, turbulent and transitional period of my life. I haven't received much positive feedback about the applications/résumés I've put out there, though it's only been about a month. My sense is that I will have to wait longer to know anything about a job...a process that can be very introspective and self-critical. Somehow I feel that this card is a sign that I'm making the right decision about taking a leave of absence from school in order to work. I am at a crossroads, literally a time of "decision and renewal." It feels important for this period to be positive and productive...and introspective. I checked out several books about writing résumés and cover letters from the public library. If nothing else, I've gotten in touch with some talents and skills that were obscured by the narrow scope of my graduate studies.

Question: What kind of prospect(s) does mom have of getting back on her feet by her own efforts?

Two of Wands, "Balance"

"The Two of Wands depicts a visit from an ancestor-figure who brings a vision or message concerning the way to make fire. Making fire is an important thing to understand, since it is the means to everything in life. In most cultures, the discovery of fire is originally attributed to women. Perhaps the woman here is kindling the libido or fire of the body. Perhaps the fire of energy and action. In either case, fire is Shakti--the means of getting what we want.

The Two of Wands signifies the harnessing of one's personal power-learning how to use the fire that was born in the Ace. The receiving part of the personality is open to leaning; she watches and listens carefully as the older spirit shows her how to create the fire by friction. The active part of the personality is demonstrative, patiently teaching a skill that will be useful throughout life. The dream-vision shown in the Motherpeace image signifies that the intuition is awakening--a form of fire that precedes verbal communication. The personality may have flashes of insight or understanding if what it is capable of doing."

I phrased this question carefully because I am interested in what Susan is capable of doing (for) herself. The card seems to positively indicate that it is important to learn fundamental skills: "Making fire is an important thing to understand, since it is the means to everything in life." Making fire is something that the dream-vision cannot actually do for the young figure in the card; she needs to learn how to do it herself in order to do anything else. It is a fundamental task in life; if it can't be learned, it's hard to know how this figure will go on to do other things. I feel similarly about Susan. She seems to lack the knowledge or ability to do very basic things in life. However, it's hard to discern whether she is not capable or not learning (or both, or neither). I think I feel the urgency for her to build the knowledge to succeed and the need for it to come from an "older spirit," of which I am not.

I'm reading a book titled, My Parents Keeper: Adult Children of the Emotionally Disturbed. The OED defines disturbed as, " disquieted; agitated; having the settled state, order, or position interfered with." I prefer to use this definition as the secondary (spec. in Psychiatry, emotionally or mentally unstable or abnormal; also (orig. U.S.), designed for or occupied by disturbed patients) seems to have a stigmatized connotation. And, it is interesting that its use in psychiatry originated in the U.S.

Anyway, the book has been very helpful for many reasons. The writing helps me put my own adolescence and adulthood in perspective. There are several personal accounts of experiences with ED parents and I realize I am one of those people. I'm reading a section on the "aging parent" right now. Susan's aging seems accelerated...she's only 58 but already experiencing bodily and mental failure. Tonight I learned the doctors have declared her mentally unfit to make her own decisions. This sent my sister and me scrambling to get the right paperwork for the doctors to appoint a surrogate in place of her own documented wishes. This is especially frustrating for me; when she came up to Milwaukee after my surgery I asked her to think about putting this paperwork in place: "If not for you, then for us. We don't want to be in the position to have to make really hard decisions without knowing your wishes..." Fast-forward to, well, now and notice that she did not take that up. In fact, she was so offended I suggested it that she left Milwaukee early, leaving me to care for myself post-surgery.

So. This is what I'm up to. My desire to run that 5k is still present. I put up a new running schedule on the fridge this afternoon.