More

Than enough, really. My current understanding is that there is dry gangrene in the hand and that the options are amputation of all digits on the right hand (minus the thumb) or a process called auto-amputation, where the dead fingers eventually fall off the hand. Of course, "The doctor said it's nothing that could have been prevented. It just kind of happens to some people."

There are several very aggravating things about this statement. First, it's never her fault...for anything. She is never to blame for the shitty things that "happen" to her. It of course, wasn't 30 years of chain smoking, blatant negligence of her diabetes, refusal of physical therapy when she broke her ankle (and subsequent blood clot ensued), obesity, etc...Because, these things just happen, you know? Out of the blue! Can you imagine the luck?

And, once absolved, I am the one who looks like a dick for expressing doubt or annoyance that this is just another such and such X that happened. My therapist said to me the other day, "You should prepare for your mother to have, perhaps, not such a happy ending." However, there are others who are committed (for whatever reason) to providing 24/7 in-home care for her. Often, at his and her own expense. Her primary partner/care-taker in TN seems to be enabling her dependencies all the more. S is in complete denial of her situation: "What are you thinking about with regard for your immediate, future care? You seem to not be able to bathe, feed yourself, care for your cats, pay your rent or utilities, etc...How are you going to manage those tasks?" To which, she replies, "E is going to split the rent with me and I'm thinking of getting one of those voice-activated computers..."

Rather than describe in minutiae the many problematics with this reply, I will say only that this is the craziest mother-fucking shit I've ever heard. I want to completely sever my ties with this toxicity and sickness and craziness. I don't want to be angry with S every time she calls. She is, I fear, headed for a sad ending. I'm just not sure what I can/want to do about it. I feel "obligated" as her progeny, to act on her behalf. As such, I feel pretty much in a holding pattern. One that feels completely unreal and "float-y." If I don't think about this fucked up situation every day, however, I feel pretty clear and happy about the summer.

Which is a good segue to part II of, "More."

Money. It's fucking hard to get a job. I have a second interview for a company that translates documents. It's a project manager position that, honestly, I probably won't end up getting. There are so many overqualified people out there scrambling for a job. I have a MASTER'S DEGREE, people! Why can't I get a M-Fing job? I've sent out 45 resumes in 7 weeks. ONE interview, four rejection letters, and the rest is lost in the aether. I just need a little stability in my life, you know? Been floating around for 10 or so years...trying to get by on nothing. It seems too much to even dream of ever paying off this oppressive college debt, owning a home, maybe my own car or bicycle.

More. Belly! I have it! It's gotta go! Period.

The Crone

This is a bit of a belated post about my most recent Mother Peace reading. However, given the events of the day (which I'll write about in a bit), it feels like the right time to reflect on the most recent reading. Unfortunately, I can't quite remember the exact phrases of my questions to MP; I'll approximate where necessary.

Question: What kind of energy will I receive from all these job applications I've been putting into the world?

The Crone, "Turning Within"

"The Crone is the old wise woman who watches over our dreams and visions, who whispers secrets to our inner ears. As Nor Hall puts it, 'the old woman, who is regarded as the teacher of 'song, story and spindle,' is the Hag who know how to call down the power of the moon, to converse with spirits and work magical spells...When you get the Crone in a reading, it almost certainly means a time of solitude. Usually this inner time comes as a blessing, but at first you may feel a sense of loneliness. Mostly this comes from enculturation, which tells you that it's bad to be alone. If you can relax and enjoy this opportunity, you will gain from time spent in self-study. Learning to hear with the inner ear can be frightening at first, since the messages you get probably won't match up with what you've been taught. Hekate is a great truth-teller (soothsayer) and once you are in contact with her, your own truths will begin to surface.

You are at a crossroads, a time of decision and renewal. Hekate takes you down into the unconscious and guides you through it, showing you where you troubles are and offering choices and possibilities you may never have previously dreamed of. Sometimes this experience comes at around the age of twenty-eight or twenty-nine, when a person experiences what astrologers call her 'Saturn return.'"

This card is intense for several reasons. First, I wrote about the Saturn Return in my previous post, so getting this message after I've been thinking about it feels like a strong message. Second, I drew this card when I was having a hard time writing my MA project paper. I was obsessed (negatively) with the lack of mentorship from my committee members. LE pointed out during that reading that the Crone could be a positive force in my writing process and that maybe I needed to turn inward and trust my own abilities and powers. I thought about this card many times during the writing process and feel like it helped me through that difficult process. I'm not sure how to interpret the card in relation to this question, however. Certainly it makes sense that it's tied up with the Saturn Return business; this is a most difficult, turbulent and transitional period of my life. I haven't received much positive feedback about the applications/résumés I've put out there, though it's only been about a month. My sense is that I will have to wait longer to know anything about a job...a process that can be very introspective and self-critical. Somehow I feel that this card is a sign that I'm making the right decision about taking a leave of absence from school in order to work. I am at a crossroads, literally a time of "decision and renewal." It feels important for this period to be positive and productive...and introspective. I checked out several books about writing résumés and cover letters from the public library. If nothing else, I've gotten in touch with some talents and skills that were obscured by the narrow scope of my graduate studies.

Question: What kind of prospect(s) does mom have of getting back on her feet by her own efforts?

Two of Wands, "Balance"

"The Two of Wands depicts a visit from an ancestor-figure who brings a vision or message concerning the way to make fire. Making fire is an important thing to understand, since it is the means to everything in life. In most cultures, the discovery of fire is originally attributed to women. Perhaps the woman here is kindling the libido or fire of the body. Perhaps the fire of energy and action. In either case, fire is Shakti--the means of getting what we want.

The Two of Wands signifies the harnessing of one's personal power-learning how to use the fire that was born in the Ace. The receiving part of the personality is open to leaning; she watches and listens carefully as the older spirit shows her how to create the fire by friction. The active part of the personality is demonstrative, patiently teaching a skill that will be useful throughout life. The dream-vision shown in the Motherpeace image signifies that the intuition is awakening--a form of fire that precedes verbal communication. The personality may have flashes of insight or understanding if what it is capable of doing."

I phrased this question carefully because I am interested in what Susan is capable of doing (for) herself. The card seems to positively indicate that it is important to learn fundamental skills: "Making fire is an important thing to understand, since it is the means to everything in life." Making fire is something that the dream-vision cannot actually do for the young figure in the card; she needs to learn how to do it herself in order to do anything else. It is a fundamental task in life; if it can't be learned, it's hard to know how this figure will go on to do other things. I feel similarly about Susan. She seems to lack the knowledge or ability to do very basic things in life. However, it's hard to discern whether she is not capable or not learning (or both, or neither). I think I feel the urgency for her to build the knowledge to succeed and the need for it to come from an "older spirit," of which I am not.

I'm reading a book titled, My Parents Keeper: Adult Children of the Emotionally Disturbed. The OED defines disturbed as, " disquieted; agitated; having the settled state, order, or position interfered with." I prefer to use this definition as the secondary (spec. in Psychiatry, emotionally or mentally unstable or abnormal; also (orig. U.S.), designed for or occupied by disturbed patients) seems to have a stigmatized connotation. And, it is interesting that its use in psychiatry originated in the U.S.

Anyway, the book has been very helpful for many reasons. The writing helps me put my own adolescence and adulthood in perspective. There are several personal accounts of experiences with ED parents and I realize I am one of those people. I'm reading a section on the "aging parent" right now. Susan's aging seems accelerated...she's only 58 but already experiencing bodily and mental failure. Tonight I learned the doctors have declared her mentally unfit to make her own decisions. This sent my sister and me scrambling to get the right paperwork for the doctors to appoint a surrogate in place of her own documented wishes. This is especially frustrating for me; when she came up to Milwaukee after my surgery I asked her to think about putting this paperwork in place: "If not for you, then for us. We don't want to be in the position to have to make really hard decisions without knowing your wishes..." Fast-forward to, well, now and notice that she did not take that up. In fact, she was so offended I suggested it that she left Milwaukee early, leaving me to care for myself post-surgery.

So. This is what I'm up to. My desire to run that 5k is still present. I put up a new running schedule on the fridge this afternoon.

Saturn Return

Saturn return
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"The Saturn return is a regular astronomical occurrence relevant to the practice of astrology which occurs in a person's life at approximately 27–30 years of age and again around the age of 58–60, with the third and usually final occurrence around 86-88. The planet Saturn takes approximately 29.5 years to orbit the Sun; when it returns to the exact degree along the ecliptic it occupied at the time of a person's birth this is referred to as their "Saturn Return".

Saturn is symbolically/astrologically associated with time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, unwanted burdens and hard lessons, among other more positive things such as structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, responsibility and order – this is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage and is considered by many astrologers to mark the "true beginning" of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, responsibility, ambition, and full maturation."

I am here:


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Well, I was here...until a few nights ago I decided to leave my mother's rental house in Chattanooga, TN. Now I'm staying with my sister until tomorrow morning when I leave, thankfully, for Milwaukee. I originally flew down here to spend some time with my mom and sister, primarily to visit with my mom after her big relocation from Bloomington, Illinois to Tennessee. About four weeks ago she took a job with a social service agency but fell ill and was fired.

Ordinarily this would would be a difficult situation, but not devastating. However, I came to the realization, through my mother's physical illness, that she is also mentally ill. It was difficult to even type those words; it's as if I've proscribed a sentence of some sort on her life chances by that act. My sister and I have been living and caring for her, in many ways, since 1996 when my parents divorced. Since that time she has: attempted suicide three times, almost lost custody of my younger sister, been in and out of mental wards, met a man online and moved to Boston, been kicked out of his house, shown up on my doorstep in the throes of a self-induced Paxil withdrawl, moved in with me and my ex-partner, moved into her own apartment, broke her ankle, had her wages garnered, been in court, etc...This scenario was a bit different.

She met a woman while working in a domestic violence shelter six years ago and they've been very much involved in each others' lives since. This woman is amazing and has helped my sister and me more than she'll probably ever know. She and my grandfather have been financially subsidizing my mother's life, however, for many years. See, my mom seems unable to take care of herself and yet, she bemoans the "fact" that no one cares for her. But we've all been caring for her...for so many years. When she moved to Chattanooga I thought she might have a chance of changing her life for the better. She found a great rental house about 20 minutes from my sister and seemed to be into the new job. Two weeks into living here she fell very ill and was diagnosed with a very painful disease called Raynaud's Syndrome. She was also diagnosed with diabetes and the doctors pleaded with her to stop smoking and lose weight. My visit to Chattanooga happened to coincide with the worst of her illness. When I got to the house it was absolutely filthy. This is nothing new, however; my mother has been unable to care for a living space since I was little. She absolutely destroys her immediate surroundings. Since I was going to be staying with her for a week I set to cleaning the place up. It took me two days, but I got her house and car in working order.

The big problem is that I've been doing these kinds of things for twelve years now. Things in her life will fall apart, periodically, and she fails to handle the crisis. As such, a dwindling number of people in her life bear the burden of taking care of her until she's on her feet. My young adult life has been a series of hospital visits, frantic phone calls, emotional lunacy, guilt and worrying whether she'll be able to feed and bathe herself and pay her electric and heat bills.

I can't tell you why it took so long for me to realize this. And I don't know what it means that I finally have. There are so many frightening patterns I've learned from her and I don't know where and when they will present themselves. I do know, however, that she is mentally ill and needs help. And, this help can't come from me or my sister. She has to figure out how to lead her life in a sustainable way--for her. And I can't make other people (Grandpa, Ellen, Natalie) set boundaries in ways that help make their lives more livable. But, I realize now that my life with Susan has been a series of distorted lies and attempts by her to convince those around her that she's, "okay." Her dire illness revealed that vulnerability and I understand that there is so much more going on than I can handle.

It's said that when Saturn Returns you're in for a hell of a ride. Old patterns reveal themselves, lives are rearranged, adulthood begins. I turned thirty in March and this has been absolutely true in my life. I feel for the first time that I can get some help and support for me; I've been hoping for so long that she will just eventually be ok. I thought that if she had help through the rough times that she'd be able to stand on her own feet. But, this isn't the case and I need to take care of my own life. Her reliance on me has been a financial and emotional drain for so many years.

Maybe it feels good to have figured this out. My sister and I have had a chance to talk over some deep and painful memories, hurts, etc...This has been the best part of the whole experience. I feel a rekindled connection to her and intend to strengthen that connection over time.