Saturn Return

Saturn return
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"The Saturn return is a regular astronomical occurrence relevant to the practice of astrology which occurs in a person's life at approximately 27–30 years of age and again around the age of 58–60, with the third and usually final occurrence around 86-88. The planet Saturn takes approximately 29.5 years to orbit the Sun; when it returns to the exact degree along the ecliptic it occupied at the time of a person's birth this is referred to as their "Saturn Return".

Saturn is symbolically/astrologically associated with time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, unwanted burdens and hard lessons, among other more positive things such as structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, responsibility and order – this is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage and is considered by many astrologers to mark the "true beginning" of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, responsibility, ambition, and full maturation."

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Well, I was here...until a few nights ago I decided to leave my mother's rental house in Chattanooga, TN. Now I'm staying with my sister until tomorrow morning when I leave, thankfully, for Milwaukee. I originally flew down here to spend some time with my mom and sister, primarily to visit with my mom after her big relocation from Bloomington, Illinois to Tennessee. About four weeks ago she took a job with a social service agency but fell ill and was fired.

Ordinarily this would would be a difficult situation, but not devastating. However, I came to the realization, through my mother's physical illness, that she is also mentally ill. It was difficult to even type those words; it's as if I've proscribed a sentence of some sort on her life chances by that act. My sister and I have been living and caring for her, in many ways, since 1996 when my parents divorced. Since that time she has: attempted suicide three times, almost lost custody of my younger sister, been in and out of mental wards, met a man online and moved to Boston, been kicked out of his house, shown up on my doorstep in the throes of a self-induced Paxil withdrawl, moved in with me and my ex-partner, moved into her own apartment, broke her ankle, had her wages garnered, been in court, etc...This scenario was a bit different.

She met a woman while working in a domestic violence shelter six years ago and they've been very much involved in each others' lives since. This woman is amazing and has helped my sister and me more than she'll probably ever know. She and my grandfather have been financially subsidizing my mother's life, however, for many years. See, my mom seems unable to take care of herself and yet, she bemoans the "fact" that no one cares for her. But we've all been caring for her...for so many years. When she moved to Chattanooga I thought she might have a chance of changing her life for the better. She found a great rental house about 20 minutes from my sister and seemed to be into the new job. Two weeks into living here she fell very ill and was diagnosed with a very painful disease called Raynaud's Syndrome. She was also diagnosed with diabetes and the doctors pleaded with her to stop smoking and lose weight. My visit to Chattanooga happened to coincide with the worst of her illness. When I got to the house it was absolutely filthy. This is nothing new, however; my mother has been unable to care for a living space since I was little. She absolutely destroys her immediate surroundings. Since I was going to be staying with her for a week I set to cleaning the place up. It took me two days, but I got her house and car in working order.

The big problem is that I've been doing these kinds of things for twelve years now. Things in her life will fall apart, periodically, and she fails to handle the crisis. As such, a dwindling number of people in her life bear the burden of taking care of her until she's on her feet. My young adult life has been a series of hospital visits, frantic phone calls, emotional lunacy, guilt and worrying whether she'll be able to feed and bathe herself and pay her electric and heat bills.

I can't tell you why it took so long for me to realize this. And I don't know what it means that I finally have. There are so many frightening patterns I've learned from her and I don't know where and when they will present themselves. I do know, however, that she is mentally ill and needs help. And, this help can't come from me or my sister. She has to figure out how to lead her life in a sustainable way--for her. And I can't make other people (Grandpa, Ellen, Natalie) set boundaries in ways that help make their lives more livable. But, I realize now that my life with Susan has been a series of distorted lies and attempts by her to convince those around her that she's, "okay." Her dire illness revealed that vulnerability and I understand that there is so much more going on than I can handle.

It's said that when Saturn Returns you're in for a hell of a ride. Old patterns reveal themselves, lives are rearranged, adulthood begins. I turned thirty in March and this has been absolutely true in my life. I feel for the first time that I can get some help and support for me; I've been hoping for so long that she will just eventually be ok. I thought that if she had help through the rough times that she'd be able to stand on her own feet. But, this isn't the case and I need to take care of my own life. Her reliance on me has been a financial and emotional drain for so many years.

Maybe it feels good to have figured this out. My sister and I have had a chance to talk over some deep and painful memories, hurts, etc...This has been the best part of the whole experience. I feel a rekindled connection to her and intend to strengthen that connection over time.