A writing journal entry

I am in the process of reading Peter Elbow's book, Writing with Power. I remember reading Peter Elbow in English 701 (I devoted an entire section of a paper on his work, however, calling him Peter Pillow throughout the entire essay) and liking what he said about the "felt sense" of writing and reading writing. Even now I'm trying to employ some of his suggestions about leaving about not hitting the delete key every time I sense an inaccuracy, unsupported claim, error, or whatnot. I'm not positive that we read pieces of his in which he spoke to "felt senses" in relation reading writing, but I think I remember it so I'll at least note it here. Anyway, I appreciate the bounded space and time [of English 817] to read about writing. I think about writing all the time, but it's usually in a very negative way. I do not, however, make time to read about, experiment with, or try out new writing methods. In fact, I hate writing. Sometimes it's because I hate feeling. Maybe? I actually love feeling things, deeply, but seem to derive the most pleasure from harboring it [the pleasure] deep within. As if it were some precious pleasure I generated and shared only with myself. A thrill, a shiver, a slight inward smile that stays on the inside. Whatever. Pillow was totally right about "giving it up." I only like sharing my writing in a group because I know my poorly conveyed and obtuse ideas make me seem smart. People hate reading my writing. It is all about me--my writing becomes me. Which is interesting because I don't really give a shit about how it sounds coming out; my ideas are me. I'm not concerned with their aesthetic or affective coverings, clearly. And, I don't care whether these ideas give people pleasure or if they repulse people. It's all about me and the pleasure I derive from having good ideas.
I am sick of these good ideas sounding insane and/or terrible. And I'm uncertain whether the pleasure I might derive from "giving it up," so to speak, will suffice. I don't know why I feel that I can't feel pleasure from multiple creative outlets. For example, sometimes I feel like I am betraying my preferred creative medium, music, if I spend too much time on the craft of writing. That's bizarre. I don't mean to get too personal with this journal, but sometimes I fear that I made the wrong choice switching from music to English. This is because I have great and lauded musical talent and receive pleasure from "giving it up" in that way. And, not writing well shields me from feeling--something that I enjoy most in the privacy of my own bounded physical space. Putting writing out there is risky in a way that externalizing music seems to not be risky. I wonder, however, if I actually played the piece I authored if it would be different. Certainly; replication with personal inflection is a less risky venture than splattering something onto a blank sheet of paper.
It will be good to set some boundaries with this writing business. Like individuating me and "the writing." Let's just say individuation is something I'm working on across the board. Why should this be any different?